Judge: Would the defendent, Ms Clumsy McGardener, please take the stand. Place your hand upon the Royal Horticultural Society’s Encyclopedia of Gardening and swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Thank you. Let us proceed.
Prosecution Barrister: Are you Ms Clumsy McGardener?
MCM: I am occasionally known by that name, but I have many others.
Barrister: That will do. Now in your own words explain the events of the morning of 5 January 2014 at the residence of Spotty Dotty and Spotted Dick.
MCM: Well, your honour and fine members of the jury, it was like this. It was my first day back to work after the Christmas/New Year break and I was full of the enthusiasm and energy. On reflection perhaps a little too much …
Barrister: Just the facts please!
MCM: Sorry. Mr Dick had purchased some new plants and had left them for me to plant as I saw fit. One of them, a rather splendid Nandinia domestica “Obsessed”, was earmarked for a place near the pond. Like the excellent gardener I am ….
Barrister: We will be the judge of that Ms McG, please continue.
MCM: Hmmmm …… I decided to weed the area first. This section extends up behind the pond and around the side, involving some mountain goat-esque manoeuvres. Some of the stones surrounding the pond had weed growing around them and this I dutifully and at great risk to life and limb ….
Barrister: Please, no need to gild the lily, the court is not interested in your heroics!
MCM: Well I removed the weed. A few minutes later I heard a loud splash.
Barrister: How many minutes, 5 or 50, this may be important.
MCM: Probably 5 or 10. How strange I thought, one of the edging stones must have mysteriously been dislodged and has fallen in the pond. When I went to investigate I was horrified to see the water draining away in a rather rapid and horrifying manner. My first instinct was to run and hide, but decided to wait and see if it emptied completely and if I could spot any hole. Whilst standing there I first noticed I was being watched.
Barrister: Watched? By whom?
MCM: Ginger George, king of all he surveys.
Barrister: And this made you suspicious?
Judge: Order, order, do not put words into Ms McGardeners mouth!
Barrister: Sorry M’lud, so what do you think when you saw him sitting there?
MCM: I thought he had framed me, he had pushed the stone whilst my back was turned, he hates ponds, there aren’t even any fish in there (on reflection was just as well), and all that horrid wet stuff, surely it is obvious?
Barrister: Thank you, you may now stand down. Members of the jury, you have heard the evidence. Was it Ms Clumsy McGardener who broke the pond or was she framed by George the saboteur? You may retire to consider your verdict ……..